Monday, 10 February 2014

Welcome to Mbu’s territory

Whatever you say of the Police High Command, they are working. They are very sensitive to the yearnings of the people who selected them into their positions.

Don’t mind those who think that they should be serving the people, as if it is the people that commissioned them. The last time I checked the INEC register, the Police Service Commission was not a political party. Well, at least not officially.
Those who have never enjoyed the privileges extended to these men and women who help the police ossify in its conducts, can criticize all they want. For all you care, they may be the troublemakers heating up the polity or beneficiaries of such actions. One thing is certain, they are jealous of the privileges of members - fat allowances, go-slow melting travel, sitting bonuses and free-armed escorts. The critics should wait for their own turn. I bet when and if that time comes, they would start to eat up their words like our new defense chief.
The same man was misquoted as promising to smoke out Imam Shekau from the evil forests of Haramistan perhaps just to get the American ransom. No one in his or her right senses would promise to handcuff a fly. Although men have broken records doing the unthinkable, (including marrying their dogs), no fly handcuffs has yet made the Guinness Book of Records; except of course you believe the makers of insecticides. Therefore, I welcome the chief’s recant with all my sense of loyalty and patriotism. The promise was an April Fools joke.
As a loyal citizen, I have vowed never to believe anything I read in the press, ever since Daily Times was auctioned to the highest bidder and the New Nigerian became the old Naija bride betrothed to 19 jealous governors with different party and sundry interests. The rule is; if it’s not on NTA, it’s not officially sanctioned. Unsanctioned news may not be unnecessarily bad for your health, but it is bad for your sense of patriotism. I hope that speaks to those who say nothing when the national team loses but simply turn to the English Premier League.
Looks like things are about to get better. There are new appointments for official news outlets and they fit like broken blocks fit for the foundation of government buildings. With elections round the corner, we are guaranteed no dull moments. So let ‘s just sit back, relax with hassle rock tea and cassava bread and listen to the authentic diaries of President Jones, Lame Pat, dishonorable ministers and of course, the party of despicable people. There are new men (no apology to the women) at the helm of government news affairs. We must give it to our propaganda minister; he truly dug deep to exhume and crown these ones.
Don’t mind those complaining that some people have been recycled, as if recycling is not a multi-million Naira environmental-friendly business. In Naija, when the gods want to destroy your time-tested reputation, they give you government appointment. Mostly this is done when you’re most vulnerable. So, congratulations to the new official liars. I hope they take censorship to the next level and teach Goebbels something he never knew about propaganda. Government newsrooms need sniffer dogs too.
Sniffer dogs are awesome they are trained to sniff trouble before it begins. That’s the kind of thing needed these days when people heat up the polity. Those who have lost out of government are swearing to burn down the nation if they fail to win selections in which they are not even official candidates. Some write provocative letters, others make provocative statements. Political ports too need sniffer dogs and isn’t the feral capital the port of politics?
Last week, the president commissioned a market in spite of a court injunction. Some governors who were hemmed-in in their capital cities are fast turning Abuja into the hotbed of the opposition. That is something that cannot happen in Port Harcourt, thanks to the deployment of an effective sniffer dog. In future, they would need a visa to enter the city. Some ministers arrive late for council meetings. They would need efficient sniffer dogs to prevent them from over sleeping. Some governors are experts at holding parallel fora from buildings registered for residential purposes. Very often, the damage is done before Malam Mugu discovers, an efficient sniffer dog would prevent that.
Here is welcoming the tested Rivers’ Rottweiler to the feral capital. Let those attending guerilla meetings and issuing nocturnal press statements beware – your sins shall find you out. Your press statements shall be trashed. And before you hold a rally or gather in groups outside Wahala Plaza, read the NAN dispatch, watch NTA or listen to Radio Nigeria. There may be a colonial law outlawing your actions; Mbu would find it, and use it effectively against you. Welcome to Mbu’s territory, welcome to impunity.

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